Wednesday, August 25, 2010

If I could turn back time...

if I could find a way...
I'd have been prepared for this day!

Who knew it would come so fast. I'd been warned but ...well I'd hoped it would be different for me.
It isn't. I'm sad. I miss my baby.

Every year, this day comes and I long for summer to linger. I've never been one of those mom's who looked forward to sending their kids back to school. I like being with them. I like hearing their voices. I savor every moment they decide to create something new or pretend to be store owners, veterinarians, or teachers. My heart swells when I hear their screams and giggles from the trampoline just outside the kitchen window.

And now, it's just quiet. My life is and will forever be different. The baby is a baby no more.

Cali is a Kindergartner! Our first day started out a little shaky. Although I half-expected it. About two days ago, Cali said "Hey Mom, I think I've decided that you should just stay with me at Kindergarten." Uh-Oh! Not a good sign.

And sure enough, by the big day, she was clinging to my leg determined that I was going to stay with her!. It was brutal people. I thank God above I have good friends and swift feet. My friend Misty had already mentioned she'd be working at the school for a bit that day and if I needed her to help with Cali in anyway to let her know. She stopped by the class before the bell rang and saw Cali was a bit upset. I was trying my best to hold it together and convince her she'd be jsut fine. The truth was, it was killing me and all I wanted to do was snatch my kid up and head to the beach, our beloved beach! Instead, Misty asked if I wanted her help and I said "yes!" Then I kissed my child, told her I loved her and walked as fast as I could through the halls of the school, ignoring all the Hi's and How you Holding up's, until I got to the front door and escaped!

Then I burst into tears, and crumpled in the seat of my car. Even now as I write this for you, (and me- it is my journal after all) I feel the tears welling up. I wonder how long the empty feeling will stick around?

I have been fortunate to have busy-work at the school, helping Cali's teacher from the confines of the parent room.  I don't go in her class yet. I need to give her space for a few days to get her footing. And I need the separation to sink in. As much as I hate it.

Today is her second day, and all is well. She still wanted me to walk her into school. She said she wanted to show me a few things in her room.  I told her if she raised a ruckus, I'd have to leave right away. Before we got to the classroom she saw a friend.  She ran to her,  turned back to me, and said "Mom, Can I show you that stuff later?" then she ran for the playground with out a look back! Exactly as I'd hoped she would someday.

Forever changed, that's my life. Sigh.

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