If I could turn back time...

if I could find a way...
I'd have been prepared for this day!

Who knew it would come so fast. I'd been warned but ...well I'd hoped it would be different for me.
It isn't. I'm sad. I miss my baby.

Every year, this day comes and I long for summer to linger. I've never been one of those mom's who looked forward to sending their kids back to school. I like being with them. I like hearing their voices. I savor every moment they decide to create something new or pretend to be store owners, veterinarians, or teachers. My heart swells when I hear their screams and giggles from the trampoline just outside the kitchen window.

And now, it's just quiet. My life is and will forever be different. The baby is a baby no more.

Cali is a Kindergartner! Our first day started out a little shaky. Although I half-expected it. About two days ago, Cali said "Hey Mom, I think I've decided that you should just stay with me at Kindergarten." Uh-Oh! Not a good sign.

And sure enough, by the big day, she was clinging to my leg determined that I was going to stay with her!. It was brutal people. I thank God above I have good friends and swift feet. My friend Misty had already mentioned she'd be working at the school for a bit that day and if I needed her to help with Cali in anyway to let her know. She stopped by the class before the bell rang and saw Cali was a bit upset. I was trying my best to hold it together and convince her she'd be jsut fine. The truth was, it was killing me and all I wanted to do was snatch my kid up and head to the beach, our beloved beach! Instead, Misty asked if I wanted her help and I said "yes!" Then I kissed my child, told her I loved her and walked as fast as I could through the halls of the school, ignoring all the Hi's and How you Holding up's, until I got to the front door and escaped!

Then I burst into tears, and crumpled in the seat of my car. Even now as I write this for you, (and me- it is my journal after all) I feel the tears welling up. I wonder how long the empty feeling will stick around?

I have been fortunate to have busy-work at the school, helping Cali's teacher from the confines of the parent room.  I don't go in her class yet. I need to give her space for a few days to get her footing. And I need the separation to sink in. As much as I hate it.

Today is her second day, and all is well. She still wanted me to walk her into school. She said she wanted to show me a few things in her room.  I told her if she raised a ruckus, I'd have to leave right away. Before we got to the classroom she saw a friend.  She ran to her,  turned back to me, and said "Mom, Can I show you that stuff later?" then she ran for the playground with out a look back! Exactly as I'd hoped she would someday.

Forever changed, that's my life. Sigh.

This is what I heard today...

...from Cali.
She said "We need to give a loving baby a loving home because the big eathquake shook them out of their Mommy's arms."
Love sounds a bit like this, don't you think?

A Special Weekend

We played in our first tournament of the summer this weekend. The Ina K in Anchorage.
It is always exciting and generally an eye opener. There we learn the competition we are in store for throughout the rest of the summer.

Both Cori and Cassi were looking forward to it and it proved to be as special as the come.

Here is the story of the tournament from the hosting club's web page:
The Ina Kristiansen Memorial Cup honors the memory of an outstanding young
woman who had an immense love of soccer and for life. Ina began playing soccer
when her father, Odd Kristiansen, coached a team for the Boys & Girls Club of
Anchorage. She was a member of the first Alaska Goldstrikers Soccer Club team and
played with that team in Colorado and Europe as well as Alaska.
An outstanding midfielder at Service High School from 1984 to 1987, Ina was an All-
Conference player for all four years, and elected team captain her senior year. Ina
also coached at Hanshew Junior High School alongside Mike Montgomery from 1984
to 1987. After high school, Ina tried out for the women’s varsity team at the
University of California, Santa Barbara. She did not make the team, but that did not
keep her form trying again and again. She played on several club teams and was the
head of intramural soccer at UCSB.
Ina Kristiansen, though small in stature, was an extremely strong player with an
endless amount of determination. She always gave 110% and pushed her
teammates to do the same. Ina had an intense attitude coupled with a huge heart.
She kept the teams she played on fired up and ready to play. Her biggest aspiration
was to share her knowledge of soccer and love of the sport with children. Ina
coached a Goldstrikers U-14 Girls team and dreamed of someday starting a youth
club, like the Goldstrikers, in Santa Barbara.
Ina was wearing the Goldstrikers uniform in her last official Alaskan soccer game as
her U-23 team competed for the State Open Championship. Her death on May 22,
1992, left her family, friends, and teammates with a desire to celebrate her love of
life and the competition of soccer with all who wished to take part. Those who knew
Ina will always remember her fighting spirit on and off the playing field.
This tournament is dedicated to the spirit and the enthusiasm with which Ina
Kristiansen lived her life, played soccer, and battled leukemia. She will be with us
always.
The Ina K has become the traditional start of the outdoor soccer season in Alaska.
Like Ina herself, this tournament played in her honor, gets soccer players (and their
supporters) fired up and ready to play! As our club continues to grow and mature in
the form of the Alaska Rush Soccer Club, the Ina Kristiansen Memorial Cup tradition
will continue as an integral part of the Club's activities.

All teams are given 1 medal each to bestow upon 1 player from their team that represents the same qualities as Ina Kristiansen. The Holmes family was so fortunate to have both older girls selected to receive this honor.

Cassi's coach chose her as the recipient for her determination, sunny disposition in spite of struggle and for her leadership.

Cori's award was determined by the input of her two coaches, Cassi's coach and her teammates. She was in awe that she received the award as she had voted for her teammate, goalie and friend however was also confident that she'd played a fantastic tournament, dearly loves the game and her team. It was evident that she knew there were many on her team who were equally deserving.


Scott and I are so proud of them and so grateful, knowing that it is so hard to choose just one player when there are so many who leave everything on the field each and every game.

I know they will remember this honor all of their lives.

Scott's Early Father's Day present

I thought Scott might be missing us while working in Nowatak, AK. ( We are certainly missing him!)

We made this for him yesterday. The girls chose the photos and music. This is an attempt at something new for me. I hope it works and you can view it!

The Story of a Brave Little Girl

You have all probably heard about Cassi Raye and her exciting evening last Thursday.

It turned out to be quite an exciting evening for all of us and except for Cassi's fear and pain, Scott was probably the most emotionally challenged as he was with her when it happened.

Cassi had a scheduled Christmas party at her Cheer gym at 5:30 Thursday. I was due to host a Family Fun Night Roller skating Party for our school from 6:00- 8:00. On my way over at 5:45 I got a phone call from Scott telling me Cassi had broken her arm. She couldn't have been in the gym more than 10 minutes. I couldn't beleive it.

The mom in me came out and I called Cassi. I needed to talk to her and thought she might need to talk to me. It seemed as though Daddy had it under control but my heart was still going crazy. Fortunately the roller skating rink is right around the corner from the hospital so I was able to stop throw the supplies out the door of my car to my friend Misty and run like heck to meet them. Truthfully there were angels looking out for us through out the evening and I sincerely felt my prayers were answered in every way.

Cassi was such a trooper through out the whole process. When I arrived she was calm; a little scared but completely confident in the care of her Daddy. Shortly after I arrived they took her for her first set of x-rays. It was a little painful but we survived it. When they told us there was a need for a second set she got a little shook up. Twisting her arm to get just the right angle really hurt. Still she hung in like a fighter. I was really amazed.

Once she got back to her room they decided to put in an IV or the preparations for one. The first nurse has some trouble and it too was painful but again as soon as they stopped trying she pulled it together. The second nurse came in and put it in her hand which went incredibly smooth. Again, another gift for which I felt we were blessed.

They never did have to give her pain-meds which in the end helped her wake up, from the local they used to set the arm, so much faster. We were there for several hours but I have to say for the most part she was as comfortable as we could have asked for given the circumstances.

Here are a few pictures of her ordeal. Her arm reminded her of a snake she kept saying. It just looked weak and wiggly to me.

She ended up going to school the next day. She was there all day save arriving one hour late. She even had smiles to share for all of her friends who made get well cards for her first thing in the morning.